Are You Having Fun Yet?

Chief medical officer Sir Liam Neeson will be announcing plans for annual revalidation assessments for doctors in the UK. This is great news.

Firstly, I can hang my assessment certificate on my consulting room wall and tell my patients that I’ve passed the grade and as such I’m officially re-licenced to tell them to get on their bikes and find a job instead of sponging off the state and wasting my time.

Secondly, I will need time off to prepare for these assessments and then even more time off to sit the exams or attend the interviews. It means lots of time away from patients. Oh what a shame.

Thirdly and most importantly, they’ll need a helluva lot of doctors to do the actual assessments. I’m just thinking that if the money is right then I’ll be right onto that gravy train. So, half my time will be spent preparing for my annual assessment and the other half of my time will be spent assessing other docs.

Patients will have to wait. Just have to get the receptionists to get their story right though-

“Sorry, all the doctors are busy with assessments. Next appointment is in 2012.”

It’s a price worth paying for weeding out the next Shipman.

Breaking News.

As I speak, news is emerging that captured Bosnian Serb war crimes monger Radovan Karadzic was doing the Archbishop of Canterbury impersonation circuit when he was arrested. See Pictures:

Genocidal Scumbag (picture taken whilst on the run)

Rowan Williams in Lambeth recently

I would like to direct your attention to a campaign that’s rapidly gathering momentum. I’ve have a flood of calls from patients worried about Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) and its harmful and sometimes deadly effects.

It’s all been hushed up until now. I can reveal that–

• It has been linked to major outbreaks of illness throughout the world.
• It is colourless and tasteless.
• Strongly linked with famine disasters killing tens of millions.
• Major cause of environmental damage and pollution.
• It can be fatal in overdose or even small amounts if ingested or injected.
• It is a major component in many toxins and poisons.
• It’s been isolated in almost all cancerous growths and pre-malignant lesions.
• Used by government agencies in nuclear programmes and weapons technology.

There needs to be a sea-change in the UK government’s policy on DHMO. Support this campaign. It needs to be banned NOW. It could save your life.

One of my patients came to see me today about her hay fever. Although she had been having a rotten time of it lately, she decided to try without anti-histamines this summer and to try something natural. So she popped to her neighbourhood Boots and was promptly conned into buying a couple of months supply of homeopathic pills. Didn’t work at all.

She showed me the box and it was basically onion juice with some herbs and it was diluted a billion times so that nothing remained of the original onion and herb soup. The idea of homeopathy is that the water ‘remembers’ the molecules and so therefore you get the benefit of the original substance without the harmful effects of it.

WHAT UTTER TOSH.

I told the patient exactly what I thought. I told her that she was conned and she should demand her money back. Homeopathic pills is not medicine but WITCHCRAFT. There’s no basis in science for it.  It’s the placebo effect if it has any effect at all. It’s totally made up mumbo jumbo.

I gave her a prescription for FEXOFENADINE 180MG 1 TAB MANE and told her to visit the Quackometer for some more insight.

The Scottish and UK governments’ policy of building new low cost affordable housing is meeting with predictable opposition from the NIMBY crowd. Such sentiment is expressed by middle-aged bachelor William Turnbull who lives in idyllic rural Stirlingshire in a big 5 bedroom house set in 8 acres of green unspolit land.

I can understand why he doesn’t want his nice view obstructed by druggies and dolescum. The ‘low cost affordable housing’ policy is basically getting the private sector to build public sector flats. Few of these units will be bought by private individuals and the vast majority will go into housing associations who will fill them up with housing benefits.  Mr Turnbull is absolutely right to object. His property will become the prime burglary / vandalism hotspot in the area.

What the government should have is a ‘high cost unafforable’ housing policy for nice areas. Instead of trying to build 2,500 poxy indentikit flats for the proletariat, and then meeting a wall of objections and nothing ultimately being built, they should build 3 or 4 £Millions mansions for the super-rich. The NIMBYs and Mr Turnbulls are unlikely to object to having Elton John or JK Rowling as neighbours. Everyone’s happy.

You could call it the BAMBY policy- Build A Mansion Beside You.

I’m not much of a church person or any other organised religious gathering type of guy. So when I found myself in a church service last Sunday, it was a bit of novelty experience. I wouldn’t like to go every week and waste 90 minutes of out of a precious Sunday morning but I have to say that  it was generally unobjectionable in my opinion and that’s in spite my rabid anti-religious views.

The service was conducted well by the minister and the choir was in good form. The sermon was delivered in a jovial and relaxed manner. The content was crap obviously but willing-suspension-of-disbelief is a wonderful thing.

I got to sing in public which is a rare occurrence. Had to do a John Redwood because I didn’t know any of the songs or even their tunes.  Mind you after a verse or two, I generally got the jist of it.

I was under the impression that the whole thing was free until the minister guy started passing round some velvety bags for the offering and people searched their wallets and purses to stuff money into it!

I had £30.12 on me. So I put in 12 pence.

12p for an hour and half of entertainment wasn’t too bad but I saw that some people were sticking in the paper stuff. Not just the Greens but Blues and some Browns. Pricey. I’d rather go to the cinema for that money. Or have a pint.

Those giving the most were the people who actually believed in that Jesus and God nonsense. All that god-give-us-the-strength shit. It’s really sad. It’s exploitation and it really needs to be stopped. It’s like saying to a cancer patient that they’ll only get their radiotherapy if they cough up a pile of dosh. And they’ll only get the proper dose of radiation if the money is right.

This is a tax on the deluded, weak and the mentally sick. It’s not right.

It’s a great day to celebrate the 6.7 billion people on the planet. And that’s not all- it’s going up by 75 million every year. That’s almost 1.5 million every week.

To put it in a UK perspective, a new city the size of Greater Glasgow and Edinburgh combined needs to be built every week to keep up with the population growth.

By the latter half of this century, the population of the world will reach 9 billion. It seems likely that within the next 100 years, the requirements of this expanding population will exceed what can be provided by this little planet. I’m talking about the need for food, land, shelter, fuel, fresh water, raw materials, and energy. It certainly won’t be pretty when countries start squabbling over food and water.

So what can be done about it? You could just ignore the problem and when the shit hits the fan sometime in 2092, hold a G58 summit to talk about it. The other answer isn’t very nice and policy makers (except in the PRC) don’t want to touch it with a barge pole. It’s population control.

How could you do it? 5 ways-

1. Incentivising one child / no child families (like in China)
2. Enforced contraception
3. Enforced abortion
4. Enforced sterilisation
5. Infanticide

I reckon that some form of enforced population control is inevitable. It’s just a matter of time. Either we talk about it and start making policies now to limit the population growth and avoid exhausting the world’s natural resources. Or we wait until the resources are exhausted first and then do something about it.

Spare of thought for poor John Brash of Lothian. His best friend (since primary school) bit his nose off during some fisticuffs following an argument at a party.

The roofer said he had designs on becoming a model. But now looking like Skeletor from He-Man, he’s unlikely to get those lucrative cat walk contracts.

Regarding his nasal chomping buddy, he said “It hurts inside knowing that I’ve lost him as a friend…” I bet it hurts outside knowing that you’ve lost your nose as an integral part of your face.

Max Mosley is suing the News of the World newspaper for defamation and libel when the paper ran a story about his Nazi exploits with a group of 5 hookers.

From reading the news reports of the trial, it’s hard to understand fully what the hell is going on in the mind of this over-sexed Nazi-loving 68 year old deviant/pensioner.

He fully admits to renting out a London pad at over £3k a month solely for having sex with hookers.

He fully admits to paying street girls for sex; sometimes up to 5 or 6 of them at a time.

He likes role-playing with the hookers. Maybe try a nursing home scenario next time Mr Mosley?

The publication of his sexploits he says has been ‘devastating’ and ‘humiliating’ for his family.

No kidding Adolf Mosley. You should have thought about your wife, kids and grandkids before getting it on with those escort girls dressed up as concentration camp guards.

You should have thought about your reputation as FIA president when those strumpets were spanking your arse.

Should have thought about the privacy issues when you were invading those hussies.

And when you were found out, you should have just let it lie. Instead, you take it to the High Court and now you are a laughing stock.

A sick old pervert who’s been caught with his incontinence pants down.

Ol’ Jaw Jutter is in an offal mess. He wants us not to waste food to save the world. He’s talking a load of tripe in my opinion.

He thinks he’s the Head Cheese but he’s in fact he’s really a faggot and he’s not got the stomach for real thrift and economy. If he had any brains, he would say that the British people needed to eat the whole animal but his heart’s not really in it I think. He’s not got the guts to do it.

I say: Bring back medieval dining. Let them eat Caul.