Pet Procedures

Otherwise sane and intelligent people are calling for a national blood bank for pets. A group of ‘leading UK vets’ are saying that this is necessary because of the increasingly complex procedures that are being carried out on cats and dogs such as open heart surgery, artificial joints and advanced cancer treatments.

I had to do a double take and check the calander. Has April Fools Day come early? It really is too much to take. Just imagine people queuing up with their pooches and feline friends to donate blood.  Would the blood be screened for HIV and Hepatitis? Or distemper virus?

What would be service be called? The BTS- Bitch Transfusion Service?

Now, how about a CAT scan for Mr Bigglesworth?

MBChB

Patient comes in with a copy of our new practice leaflet and asks me what the ‘MBChB’ after my name means.

I tell him- It means that I can sit behind this big desk, do very little work and earn $$$$ for the rest of my life.

Sunday sermon

Sunday afternoon sees me settling down with a cup of tea and hoping to get through a few chapters of Jonanthan Dimbleby’s critique of Chris Patten’s years as governor of HK- The Last Governor. The house is quiet as the Wife and Son are out at his piano lesson. The tranquility is rudely interrupted by the doorbell. I answer the door to find a couple of men wanting 10 minutes of my precious time. Both are reasonably well dressed and smartly turned out. One is a balding middle aged white male and the other is earnest looking and a younger chap probably his mid 20s. Shall I pretend that I speakie no Englash? Nah, I can’t be bothered.

I’m not buying anything and I’ve got no money to give away, I tell them. They’re invading my Me time and have turned up without an appointment. I dont’ usually see ‘on specs’.

Then they tell me the real reason why they’re wasting my time. They’re Jehovah’s Witnesses! And they’ve got this leaflet that they want to tell me about. I glanced at the flyer and noted the usual painted picture of a field with happy faces of people of all races. What a load of tosh I say to myself. These guys need to be Saved and I’m as good a man to do as any other.

So I stop the older guy from spouting any more drivel. I tell them that I am an Atheist and that I don’t consider religion to be sane or appropriate in this modern age. I tell them that all religions are just organised superstition and that it was only necessary in the past as a means of controlling the masses. It’s entirely redundant now. They looked a bit put out by this but I don’t stop.

I revealed to them that the leaders of the world’s religion- Popes, Archbishops, Chief Rabbis, etc are generally very clever, intelligent and powerful people and that clever, intelligent and powerful people don’t usually believe in superstitious nonsense such as all powerful omniscient immortal beings who can create Universes. Like Genies. These guys don’t enage in hocus pocus time wasting activities like praying- a supernatural one way telecommunication medium for contacting the almighty or almighties. Their time is precious. They’ve got speeches to made and policy forums to Chair. They’ve got the masses to control.

I put it to the two guys that religion is a waste of time. It might even be an illness- a delusion. If I started worshipping the tooth fairy, praying for her good tidings and her visitations, I’d likely be Sectioned. It’s the same with their god and their religion I tell them. Just because there’s a book and there’s a few others who think the same way, it doesn’t make it true or healthy.

And no, I’m not going to subscribe to the Watchtower Magazine. And yes, I will be getting my blood transfusion. (I didn’t say the latter but it would have been funny to see their faces.) Goodbye and good day to you I said closing the door.

Hopefully that two more that I’ve converted.