Hoo said “Watt and Wen”

This Blog can reveal EXCLUSIVELY today, that someone has said that somebody has spoken to somebody else at sometime in someplace about something.

We can also reveal that that somebody who told us something about someone about the thing that was said also saw someone else at that some place at some time who also heard something about something at some time.

Jokalew is now seeking a PUBLIC INQUIRY to determine to exact facts. He wants to know-

IF someone saw somebody say something about someone else and somebody else was in some place that was some place where some one overheard something about someone talking about someone else in some place,

THEN

Who saw what and who said what to whom and who heard what and what was heard from whom and when did who say what and where and where was who heard and when.

I DEMAND SOME ANSWERS NOW.

Criminals’ fear over failed banks

UK Crimimals fear they have lost up to £100m of funds invested in failed Icelandic banks.
Underworld insiders have revealed to this Blog that so far 50 criminal gangs in the UK have said their funds may be at risk.
Others, who provide services for these gangs, fear they will not be paid if Big Bosses lose money in the crisis.
The criminals are seeking urgent talks with Chancellor Alistair Darling to urge him to protect the gangs’ money.
Most of these Firms which have investments in troubled Icelandic banks have not yet been named, but they are thought to include major players in the criminal fraternity.
Big Bad Jimmy’s Crew from Glasgow have confirmed it had £2.9 million invested in Kaupthing Singer and Friedlander (KSF) – a UK bank owned by Kaupthing.
The gang said the money was for its day-to-day operations and its “uncertain” position would seriously impact on its services commitments, including money laundering, pimping and drug dealing.
 
‘Increasingly worried’
Others known to be affected include Jamal’s Black Posse from Sutton Scotney, near Winchester, which has £2.1 million of deposits invested with KSF.
The Neds-R-Us from East London has over £523,000 invested with the same bank, and We Brixton Chavs Innit has links to KSF because it is the parent company of Investment Managers, which looks after the gang’s investment portfolio of £250,000.
A spokesman for Neds-R-Us said: “We have been speaking to our members and they are increasingly worried about the current financial climate.
“We are seeking a meeting with Alistair Darling to seek assurances that the gang’s money is protected. Or we’ll stab him”

Open Letter to Chancellor Alistair Darling

Darling,

I am writing to you to ask HM Treasury to give me some of that £400bn that you have announced today. Although I am not a bank, per se, I too am experiencing all the difficulties that the major banking institutions are faced with in this credit crisis.

Let me explain.

Like the banks, over the last 10 years, I have been accumulating dodgy assets which I am having trouble valuing or selling. For example, 3 years ago, I bought a picture frame from Marbella with a bullfight motif around it for 5 Euros. I have been told that this asset is impossible to value precisely now and it may indeed be worthless. Most of my foreign investments are in this category.

Like the banks, I have been faced with difficulty in accessing funds from the international money markets. I have looked up International Money Market on google and even the Yellow Pages but have been unable to find a number to call.

Like the banks, I am suffering hardship from the crisis in Interbank Lending and the rising LIBOR rates. I currently have a mortgage at 5.9% interest rate but my savings account pays only 1.2% and I have to pay tax on the interest. I just cannot get banks to lend at sensible rates. This is devastating my finances.

Like the banks, I am starting to hoard cash instead of lending it to my friends. Jimmy asked me for a loan of a tenner yesterday but because of my mistrust in his financial stability, I had no choice but to say No.

Just today, my fuel and AMEX bills have arrived and I am finding it exceeding difficult in accessing credit lines. My wife had recently invested some capital in John Lewis in the form of Footwear and Branded Portable Leather Receptacle Assets. These are long term investments which will not show a return until 24 December 2008 at the annual Christmas Night Out.

Therefore, to prevent a collapse of my economic situation which would have significant adverse percussions on the local economy, I am asking for the sum of $435.80.

I look forward to your cheque.

Jokalew.

There’s gold in them there rescue plans

The global banking crisis has hit financiers and big money bankers hard. They have seen their investments and share prices plummet in response to the credit crisis and the rock-bottom confidence in the money markets in general. Even their bonus-encrusted executive posts have been in jeopardy.

Thank Gord for the bail out package then.

I spoke to one of my banking contacts in the City this morning. He said-

“Of course, this year’s bonus won’t be as good as in previous years. This will hit our family finances hard. We will have to scrimp and save where we can and we’ll have to cut back on the luxuries that we have been used to. But with the bail-out announced today, at least I can tell the wife and kids that the new Bentley and the Caribbean villa are safe.”