Shopping at Woolworths

I popped into Woollies this morning whilst I was in town for a meeting. I needed to buy a birthday card and a DVD for a present. The store was pretty quiet as you’d expect for a cold and wet Wednesday morning in the middle of an economic depression.

I chose my birthday card and an ‘Ironman’ DVD and I went to the checkout to pay. I took out my Amex Platinum card and gave it to the checkout girl. She took a look at my card and whispered something to the next checkout assistant and said that she needed to talk to her manager.

At this point, I’m wondering if their credit lines have been frozen so much that they couldn’t take any credit cards. Anyway, the store manager came pretty promptly. She was very nice and apologised for the delay. She said that there was a deal going on just today for ‘special customers’. I was intrigued. She continued saying that as my purchase was over £15, if I wanted, I could buy the whole chain of Woolworths stores all 850 of them for just £5.99. Was I interested?

I gave it a wee thought but then said no. I’ve got a couple of major High Street Retail Chains already and I didn’t really need another one. Sorry.

Recession is Good for You

Shadow health secretary Andrew Lansley has been roundly attacked and vilified by the hystericals for remarks on his blog that a recession can be good for health. He’s had to take his remarks down and whip himself soundingly for even suggesting such a terrible thing.

I, however, can say whatever I goddam like.

Recession is good thing all round. And here’s why-

Better for the Environment. Less consumption means less raw materials being used so less damage to our planet. Fewer journeys and less transportation means less emissions and CO2. Greenpeace is loving it.

Better for Health. No money means cutting back on the fags and beers. No more cocaine and other Class A drugs when you’re struggling on the breadline. More walking cos it’s cheap and this will help your heart. Better diet because those ready meals and pizzas are too expensive. Liver and onions, stewed tripe and tongue, yummy.

Better for Me. As a jobbing GP what I fear most is the good times and people not coming to see me. A good Recession means unemployment, repossessions and mega-stress. Keeping me busy for the next 20 years until I retire.  Who’s for more Prozac?

I want to be a Pirate

After 200 years out of the headlines, good old fashioned piracy is back in the news again. Not in the Caribbean this time but off the east coast of Africa in the Indian Ocean. The capture and ransom of a 2 million barrels of oil tanker (worth US£100m) has made front page news across the globe. Capt’n Jack Sparrow would have been proud.

International piracy has never had it so good. It’s a bit risky I grant you, but what isn’t? Life is full of risks. If you want to sail the seven seas but you don’t want to either-

a. Join the navy and end up in Iraq dodging land mines,

b. Serving up swill to American cruise ship coffin dodgers,

then a pirates life could be just the ticket.

The BBC reports that ol’ Capt’n Flint and his motley crew of buccaneers in Somalia are living it large and extremely well. Big cars, big guns, big houses, big wives. What more do you want? Here’s a wee taster of real pirate life.

How do I apply?